All We Ever Do is Say Goodbye

The other day, while I was on facebook I noticed that it today was an old friend’s birthday. When I went to her profile page to wish her a happy birthday I was greeted with the faces of many of our mutual friends she had managed to keep in contact with. We had been friends in high school and it was nice to go through some of her pictures and see how the people I had gone to school with were doing, but I was struck by how few of my high school friends, even ones I was very close with I still talk to today. Back on my Facebook feed I saw an update about one of my friends that I had gone through elementary school with. This was a girl that I had grown up with, we were in the same class every year since grade 1, and while she is still a dear friend of mine, I realized that I had barely talked to her all year. All of this happened within the space of about 15 minutes but I realized something about myself in that time.


I leave so many people behind.

Now that is most certainly the dramatic version of my epiphany, but it rings true. In my thirst for new adventures and experiences, and in my journey to follow my dreams I’ve made major changes in my life and social circle and people that I had been nearly inseparable with one year can turn into people I rarely ever see in the next. This is a startling revelation, but one that is completely logical and, in the end, not all the depressing or anti-social.

My problem is that since grade 3 I’ve uprooted myself every four years or so, and every time I do I increasingly distance myself from the people I knew before. In grade 4 I switched elementary schools so that I could be part of a gifted class. However the shift wasn’t that big because many other kids at my old school made that same switch and I still went to daycare at my old school. I stopped going to daycare in grade 6 and lost contact with my daycare friends, but I hardly noticed because it was my third year with the same class I had been in since grade four, and as the “non-gifted” kids became increasingly exclusive, and sometimes pathetically hostile in ways that only 13 year olds can be, my classmates and I were becoming a cohesive unit. To this day I have never been as close with a group of people as I was with my gifted class. We spent a total of five years together and navigated the treacherous waters of late childhood together. There were incredible highs and terrible lows, we fought, we bonded, we learned and we celebrated together. It took me a while to realize it, but I loved every single kid in that class, and I still do. In fact I vehemently believe that in 15 years we will all be exactly where we want to be in our lives because we all share an incredible determination to succeed. I knew that going to high school would be an adjustment, not only because my classmates would be different, but because I was going into a regular class instead of a gifted class, but grade nine was much harder than I imagined because of where I chose to go to school.

It had always been my intention to go to a high school for the arts, so when I didn’t get accepted into the public arts school, but I did get into the catholic one I didn’t even question my decision. I knew this was where I had to go. The first day of grade nine was one of the most exciting and terrifying days I can remember. I was overjoyed to be going to a school where I’d get to do what I loved more than anything else; but while everybody, even the other niners, was greeting their friends before classes started, I was completely alone. It was an incredibily uncomfortable experience. Introvert that I am, it took me a lot to put myself out there and make friends, but I managed to do it and in that first day I made a few friends, including the girl who would become my best friend in the world. I never once regretted my choice to go to Cardinal Carter Academy for the Arts. It was the best high school experience I could have had, and I found a new family in my vocal class. Four years of rehearsals, concerts, classes, key changes, more fights, tears, so much laughter and some truly horrible choreography. That class taught me just how far teamwork can get you and I’m still so proud of everything we accomplished together. But when graduation rolled around, my pursuit of my dreams took me away from the people I loved in a much bigger way than switching school boards.

My heart had been set on University of King’s College and the Dalhousie music program for years and getting those acceptance letters was one of the happiest moments of my life. (Read my last blog post if you want to know more about that). I was so excited about the prospect of going to my dream school and studying the two things that I loved that I hardly even thought about the effect that it was going to have on my social life. I was going to pick up and move to Nova Scotia, two thousand kilometres away from almost everything I knew and loved, and I had absolutely no reservations about it. It would be sad to leave everything behind, but this was something I had to do. The adventure enticed me so much, and while I was sad to say goodbye, it wasn’t really that hard.

When I go back to Halifax at the end of August, I will be returning to a familiar place, full of friends, and I can honestly say that I don’t really remember what that’s like. I’m looking forward to being familiar with my surroundings again, and while there will be changes and new friends, much of it will be the same as it was last year. I mean to cherish the familiarity of these next few years, because if everything goes according to plan, after I graduate I will be uprooting myself again to continuing chasing my dreams across the Atlantic in Europe, putting even more distance between myself and the people I grew up with.

I don’t think this is a bad thing, in fact I think quite the opposite. When l look back to very beginning of the various stages of my life, those first years when I made the transition from a place where everyone knew me to one where no one did, those were the times I grew the most. With no one to hide behind I’m forced to put myself out there, make my own decisions and friends and every time I do I learn more about myself and I gain a little more confidence. It gives me the chance to look at everything I’ve experienced in the past and put into perspective. The drama goes away and the bad doesn’t seem so bad anymore, which allows me to be proud of the things I’ve achieved without worrying about all my mistakes. It’s a chance to start fresh.

However that doesn’t make leaving the people I love behind any easier. I enter into relationships with people with my whole self, so I can fully enjoy the benefits of knowing that person. As a result I have more affection for friends and acquaintances than what is considered normal, but everyone I’ve known has touched my life in some way and I’m not going to take that for granted. I think this is why saying goodbye is so important to me. It isn’t fun, but it gives you the chance to affirm to a person that they have made enough of an impact on your life that you need to acknowledge the fact that they will no longer be a part of it, even if it’s just for a short time.

Even though I’ve said goodbye to so many people, I still remember them. In fact I remember almost everything. The Halloween dance parties in daycare, the antics of my gifted class, all the inside jokes I’ve shared with anyone, all those late nights at summer camp, the absurd conversations over the lunch table, the school trips, the canoe trips, the songs I’ve sung with friends, the rehearsals that went on forever, the parties that didn’t last long enough. All of it. I cherish these memories and relive them often.

If you’re reading this and you’re an old friend, give me a call. I haven’t forgotten you and I’d love to hear from you. If you’re a new friend who’s a little unsettled at all of this. Please know that I cherish each every one of you just as much as I do my old friends and I always will, even if we won’t be in contact four years from now. And who knows? Maybe I’ll have gotten better at staying in touch with people!

~Nice Girl

Title courtesy of John Mayer